So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
