If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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