Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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