i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
