i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
