So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She said her name was "party"
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
