Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
