Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
