planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
