My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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