I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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