I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
