just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize