My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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