when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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