i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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