peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
