my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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