just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
