so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
