Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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