meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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