So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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