i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
