Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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