I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
