Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
