She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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