How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
