I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
All the doctor said was why
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
