I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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