I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I didn't notice because vodka
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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