Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i believe in u and ur pee
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
