Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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