dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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