I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize