Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
