Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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