I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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