Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
