Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
