I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
