whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
