You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
