this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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