Pappa wants mamma naked
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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