wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
