Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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