Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize