"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
