apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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