We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
