a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
