I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
