I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize