I just made out with a guy for $7.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
