Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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