if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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