he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
